Rolling Out the Welcome Wagon

I'm going to blog about my life because it's tremendously interesting and I think that everyone would be foolish not to be interested in it...

Gotcha.

I'm writing this blog because I need to get this shit out of mind and into some place else. I'm not here to promote or deter...I'm just here to write. I live my life the way I do sometimes for a reason sometimes against reason, but it is my life and I'm trying (and sometimes, okay often, failing) to learn from my mistakes. I do know right from wrong, but that doesn't mean I always want to choose right; it doesn't mean I always feel I get a choice at all.

So, don't judge me, and I won't judge you. If we have a deal, keep reading; if not, good luck with the rest of your life, bud.

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I used Heroin Friday. It was the first time in about 2 weeks, maybe three. The time lapse was from a combination of a weasely friend that owed me and kept finding excuses as to why he couldn't get to me and a hospital stay due a Vicodin overdose that was the result of my lack of Heroin for more than a week after I expected to have it.

For awhile I couldn't remember why I liked it so much. Friday, I remembered.

When one becomes a real Heroin addict, that is, using it to just make up feel normal or not sick, she barely gets high unless she uses large amounts at a time. When one is a real heroin addict they generally do not have large amounts of money at a time to buy said amounts of heroin. When I use, I get a bag or two at a time and my high lasts 45 minutes at the most. But once I stopped using for awhile, my tolerance went down and that one bag...wow.

I used it in the bathroom before I got in the shower, figuring it would be good to be out of my grandma's sight at what I figured would be my highest. Plus, the hot water feels good when you're high. I got so high and dizzy I nearly fell out of the tub and into the curtain (which would subsequently lead to the floor). I sat down and the next thing I knew I was in a very uncomfortable position and my knee was in a lot of pain (I tried to recreate the position in the shower today and I have no idea how I did it without drowning). I had no idea how much time had passed. Then I realized...

I had nodded out.

It's the state of semi-consciousness that causes a junkie to drift in and out of a sleep state for no reason. Since the first month I used H, I had only nodded like that one other time--and that time got me arrested (which is a story for another time).

When I got myself out of the shower I set up my excuse with my grandma that my Neurontin, which I had just started taking, made me so ridiculously tired. It was a fine excuse because I had taken it for the first time the day before and it really did make me that tired. I had to write a card for my great grandma's birthday the next day while eating frosting out of a can with a spoon--H makes you crave sugar, and I just like frosting, deal with it. The writing started out okay, but as I continued to nod, the words became smaller, then illegiable, then finally, I wrote random words that had nothing to do with what the card was supposed to say. I knew it was done for when I woke up and the spoon, covered in frosting, was now sitting in the middle of the card. Sorry, great-grandma, no card this year and your precious grand-daughter was in a heroin induced semi-coma.

Anyway, there is a moral to this story.

I did the second bag the next day and basically felt nothing--that's how quit a heroin addicts tolerance goes back up. So, I came to a realization--it makes so much more sense to use occassionally than to use daily. I get more out of spending $10 once every week or 2 weeks than spending $300 a week or more to maintain.

So, this is my plan. Take suboxone to maintain except on the every-so-often occassions I use.

Let's hope my junkie mind will believe this.

Right now my plan is to stay sober until court (for a probation violation stemming from a misdemeanor retail theft charge) and subsequent meeting with probation officer on Wednesday. Probably the following Friday or Saturday I will indulge.

I've had a lot happen since I've been using...

arrests
jail time
hospitalizations
residential treatments
half-way houses
death threats
pat downs
hold ups
and general wacky hijinx that happen when you deal with gang-banging dealers

I'll talk about it all in time.